her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
