Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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