Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
