I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
