normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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