I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
being pregnant is like rehab
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
