You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
