I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
