he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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