ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
She made me pour olive oil on her.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
