Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
