just tell him i said nine months
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
