Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
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