I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
