I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
