Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
