This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
