I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Barsexuality is the new black.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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