I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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