my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
