My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
