Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
