I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
