We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
