How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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