If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
