I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
