She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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