I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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