He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
