my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
