I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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