It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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