yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
