I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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