Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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