I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
