I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
