theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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