Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
