Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
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