I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
