tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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