Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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