I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
