I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize