I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
