Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Sober January is a disaster.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
