I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
