so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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