I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
