I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
