I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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