I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
