Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
