an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
