Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
