Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
pray to the hookup gods
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
