omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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