Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Farmville is her only friend.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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