Four minutes until I can fart!
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
