The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
