He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
