Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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