They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
