I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
