the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
